just chugged my 8oz for tonight, going to slurp down the rest tomorrow before i get to the hospital, so my insides will glow, and my pretty new gastroenterologist can see them.
i am cold and furious. i have a headache and feel the grossness of that contrast in my stomach. think about it moving through the rebus of my man-made insides.
listening to "The Knife." yeah.
i believe there is a way out of here without pain, without involuntary hospitalization, without any further bloodshed.
always having to escape. it's nobody's fault but my own.
creating a scrapbook for my grandmother. she is 97 and i will get to see her this weekend, for the first time in like, 8 years.
now i'm listening to the Magnetic Fields, one of my favs. "Abigail, Belle of Kilronin." one of the most beautiful love songs i've ever heard.
gotta run.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
out, out, out
i'm in the teeth of the beast. that's different from the belly.
the teeth are sharp. they are formidable-looking. strong jawed beast, like an alligator with red ruby eyes...the special alligator they save for people like me. i just never saw his face this closeup. i'm just used to that familiar damp darkness inside the belly, and navigating among the intestines until i made it home again.
HOME IS NOT HERE. i need to leave. i need to ask for help. i need to survive.
i'm listening to "Rasputin" by Boney M. gotta love that story.
leave me alone. don't push me. for i'm a beast too.
the teeth are sharp. they are formidable-looking. strong jawed beast, like an alligator with red ruby eyes...the special alligator they save for people like me. i just never saw his face this closeup. i'm just used to that familiar damp darkness inside the belly, and navigating among the intestines until i made it home again.
HOME IS NOT HERE. i need to leave. i need to ask for help. i need to survive.
i'm listening to "Rasputin" by Boney M. gotta love that story.
leave me alone. don't push me. for i'm a beast too.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Monday, December 08, 2008
Purgatory Lake and Purgatory Lake Redux (for Becca)
Purgatory Lake
(for the residents of the Carpenter's House, Summer 2001, Glassboro, NJ)
We all live at Purgatory Lake
Where the loudspeaker crackles
And scrapes at our dreams
If by some chance
the muddied waters should rise
Would they wash away the corrosion
in our eyes?
No one pities the receding shores
No one cares to cross the infected borders
In plastic beds we flounder
and thrash in netted sheets,
a lost swell of sleep-warmed breath beside us
Today I heard the radio and pretended
I was on my way to the sea
Keep your head down, for goodness sake!
Don't forget you live
at Purgatory Lake.
JLR 2001
-------------------------------------------------------
sometimes i go back there, in my mind. i remember the enormous carp we tried to catch, but just wound up feeding, wonder if he's still there. i wonder about the children who grew, who left a great chunk of their childhood there. i wonder about Miss Dot and Miss Corbett and Mr Terry and that time i started running, and they told me to stop. i think about the church ladies, who were so good to me, and always let me sit in if i wanted to. i think about my september 11, in the middle of group therapy...you know there's something on when the therapists look scared.
luckily...thankfully, i was medicated. heavily medicated.
sometimes i go back there when a relationship fails, when i see that i've gained a lot of weight again...but all i have to do is think of my suggestion for a Housewarming Gift for Shonda (a dildo).
i feel sad when i remember that day with Cheryl and Dawn, but i'm hopeful when i think of the last time i saw Cheryl at the Shopping Center, and we gave each other a hug.
certain songs...like "Bohemian Rhapsody," make me think of Lisa T. or, "Minute Man," makes me think of Candy. cleaning the bathroom always reminds me of Charlotte. and of course, no big boobie joke was better than Rodney's: "You look like you're smuggling a couple of Mexicans under that shirt!"
Tina's baby was the worst-smelling baby of all, but boy, wasn't he cute? would anybody remember "SUUUPER DUMPER?" besides me and her?
wake up! ladies, it's time to get out of bed!
who could ever, ever forget the wolf spider near the foot of my bed? Candy was compelled to turn on the light for some reason, and BAM, there it was...the fattest, hairiest spider i've ever seen (outside of a pet store). it was a good thing we de-spidered the back.
jen! jennifer!! WAKE UP! OUT OF BED! i don't care if you don't want to go to group today! if anything, there are hot guys there with drugs...jen, i don't care what you did in the past, you know i loved you the best i could....oh, jen..
and jeremy? at the Hotel? how could i ever forget you?? you pop up all the time, silly boy.
nikki, you have 3 kids now. i remember when you turned the heat up to 90 degrees in my apartment. i remember your pretty eyes. i try to remember the good stuff about you.
hold my hand, don't let go. don't act like you don't matter. the dope fiends, the crack cleaning, the alcohol breath, the cigar burn on her beautiful face....the food...ugh...the food....trips to the laundrymat, waiting an hour outside acme for brenda and Ro to come back...the drawings i did, the holiest of holy 4th of July. every little thing. every little thing.
more to come.
(for the residents of the Carpenter's House, Summer 2001, Glassboro, NJ)
We all live at Purgatory Lake
Where the loudspeaker crackles
And scrapes at our dreams
If by some chance
the muddied waters should rise
Would they wash away the corrosion
in our eyes?
No one pities the receding shores
No one cares to cross the infected borders
In plastic beds we flounder
and thrash in netted sheets,
a lost swell of sleep-warmed breath beside us
Today I heard the radio and pretended
I was on my way to the sea
Keep your head down, for goodness sake!
Don't forget you live
at Purgatory Lake.
JLR 2001
-------------------------------------------------------
sometimes i go back there, in my mind. i remember the enormous carp we tried to catch, but just wound up feeding, wonder if he's still there. i wonder about the children who grew, who left a great chunk of their childhood there. i wonder about Miss Dot and Miss Corbett and Mr Terry and that time i started running, and they told me to stop. i think about the church ladies, who were so good to me, and always let me sit in if i wanted to. i think about my september 11, in the middle of group therapy...you know there's something on when the therapists look scared.
luckily...thankfully, i was medicated. heavily medicated.
sometimes i go back there when a relationship fails, when i see that i've gained a lot of weight again...but all i have to do is think of my suggestion for a Housewarming Gift for Shonda (a dildo).
i feel sad when i remember that day with Cheryl and Dawn, but i'm hopeful when i think of the last time i saw Cheryl at the Shopping Center, and we gave each other a hug.
certain songs...like "Bohemian Rhapsody," make me think of Lisa T. or, "Minute Man," makes me think of Candy. cleaning the bathroom always reminds me of Charlotte. and of course, no big boobie joke was better than Rodney's: "You look like you're smuggling a couple of Mexicans under that shirt!"
Tina's baby was the worst-smelling baby of all, but boy, wasn't he cute? would anybody remember "SUUUPER DUMPER?" besides me and her?
wake up! ladies, it's time to get out of bed!
who could ever, ever forget the wolf spider near the foot of my bed? Candy was compelled to turn on the light for some reason, and BAM, there it was...the fattest, hairiest spider i've ever seen (outside of a pet store). it was a good thing we de-spidered the back.
jen! jennifer!! WAKE UP! OUT OF BED! i don't care if you don't want to go to group today! if anything, there are hot guys there with drugs...jen, i don't care what you did in the past, you know i loved you the best i could....oh, jen..
and jeremy? at the Hotel? how could i ever forget you?? you pop up all the time, silly boy.
nikki, you have 3 kids now. i remember when you turned the heat up to 90 degrees in my apartment. i remember your pretty eyes. i try to remember the good stuff about you.
hold my hand, don't let go. don't act like you don't matter. the dope fiends, the crack cleaning, the alcohol breath, the cigar burn on her beautiful face....the food...ugh...the food....trips to the laundrymat, waiting an hour outside acme for brenda and Ro to come back...the drawings i did, the holiest of holy 4th of July. every little thing. every little thing.
more to come.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
missing NAMI
in 15 minutes, every tuesday for 9 weeks, i would be on my way to my NAMI meeting.
it's over now, done. i have a certificate that says so.
chances are, if i can get to the next group-thing, i will. but something tells me i have to, am inclined to, am responsible to do more for my community.
i keep strange hours. i like the night-life, baby. can't wait to find something good to do.
ty steve, walt and jennifer!
it's over now, done. i have a certificate that says so.
chances are, if i can get to the next group-thing, i will. but something tells me i have to, am inclined to, am responsible to do more for my community.
i keep strange hours. i like the night-life, baby. can't wait to find something good to do.
ty steve, walt and jennifer!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Facebook Badge
