...and a future?

there are some days when i feel like i'm just on a different trail than the people i see around me. i can't seem to fathom the simple pleasures, the variations, the ability to use my speaking-voice, the ability to know what's going on and why.

today is one of those days, when i feel so in the dark. i hope i am treating this feeling properly and not exploiting anything. i don't think i am...exploiting, that is. i'm just trying to unravel it by typing, sometimes it helps.

"i am a scientist, i seek to understand me..."

it's lonely. i'm not going to panic.

i feel like my friends are avoiding me, for whatever reason. not always sure i have friends, although that's one of those "nonsense" things where i know i do, somewhere and i'm the one who has to give back, and not fuck it up.

i hope i am doing "science" a great big favor by extending out my loneliness, by stretching it out to examine exactly why i'm not a good fit in the society that surrounds me. i'm overwhelmed by jealousy sometimes. i try to focus on "talent" but it only gets you so far in a world made of steel vultures.

i know shame will get me nowhere. i know that i need to come down from this tower pretty soon. my footholds have to be just right. i fall so fast sometimes. i hope it matters, or will matter someday.

Biggus Dickus

...i'm not really going to write a blog about big dicks. just thought it would be funny to call it "Biggus Dickus."

i have a sore in my mouth, under my tongue. can't sleep, bored beyond any sensible means. i can usually find something to do in this state but (and by no means does typing this shit count) i'm coming up dry.

haven't been home for several days, forgot how to function here around other sick people. (if you spend enough time with non-sick people, and you are sick, do you feel better? if a=b and b=c....)

terribly thirsty.

It Makes You Sick

Welcome to another family-friendly episode of:


"It Makes You Sick."


[still accepting theme music submissions]


It Makes You Sick.

"Anger."

"anger."

"It Makes You Sick."

("i'm a rageoholic! i'm addicted to ragehol!!")



What else makes you sick?

"Bitterness."

"...bittnerness?"

"and other sick, bitter people. pfft."



I'm on the mend. It's the best you can do these days, even as a celebrity or a political politician.


"Too much of anything."

...Makes you sick.

between therapists

i'm so tough.

i wrote a horrible blog on m.space about how much i hate m. how mature am i? i haven't grown since high school! no wonder no one wants to hang out with me, i am SUCH a cultural foible! no WONDER!

but the arrested-in-development get tough, if nothing else. no more punching baggery for this little one.

maybe cali is glad not to have me around. maybe that's why i left. i'm a loser, from sea to shining sea.

forgive me, all those i hold dear. forgive me my myspacery. it's a harmful place if you let it. i watched what it did to someone else.

but here i am back at blog-land or whatever. it's not that i'm lonely--i'm just between therapists, i think. again. i'm gonna have to cozy on up to someone else pretty soon.

god forgive me, i ask upon the computer. forgive my jealousy and my rage and...everything else. forgive my judgmental-ness.

no, this is not bullshit. i'm under the influence of chemicals. it's just happenin'.

my confidence is shot. wish blog-therapy was as guiltless as it seems. it always catches up to you though. cool on my little island .

it's like -20 degrees outside tonight. wtf?

Sleeping In My Memory

does anyone know pain? supposedly people do, and they conquer it over insurmountable odds, and that's what makes them so damn special, huh.

has anyone else dated a criminal, or at least a con-artist? has anyone else been incarcerated as many times for not taking a tablet marked, "Life?" does anyone understand? is anyone else this naked?
am i really this deep?