the end

i'm moving all my blog activity to www.crampland.blogspot.com. (and also myspace)

hope to see you there.

Mothers' Day 09

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away, oh little darling of mine.
I can't for the life of me
Remember a sadder day
I know they say let it be
But it just don't work out that way.
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away, oh little darling of mine.

I just can't believe its so,
And though it seems strange to say
I never been laid so low
In such a mysterious way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

But I would not give you false hope
on this strange and mournful day
When the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away
Oh, oh the mother and child reunion

Is only a motion away
Oh the mother and child reunion
Is only a moment away.


--The great and awesome Mr. Paul Simon

Rage-a-hol

The following quotes are from the great buddhist scholar Shantideva, taken from Anger, by R. Thurman.

Whatever my virtuous deeds may be,
Venerating buddhas, generosity and so on,
Amassed over a thousand aeons--
All are destroyed in a moment of anger.

----

Keeping the mind wounded by anger,
I will never experience peace.
I will have no joy or happiness,
Will lose sleep, writhing with frustration.

----

Anger finds its food in the mental discomfort
I feel, faced with the unwanted happening
And the blocking of what I want to happen;
It then explodes and overwhelms me.

----

I have this strange memory as a child. I came home from school (kindergarten?) and my neighbor and sometimes-babysitter Joanne had created this puzzle or maze for me to follow. She posted arrows and footprints made of brightly colored construction paper with signs leading to where she was in my house. Looking back, I know she probably put some time into it, and that she'd created it just for me. But for no reason at all, I became greatly offended by what I felt was a 'sophomoric' attempt to lull me into playing "connect-the-dots" to my friend. I can't say why. I tore down the signs and recall feeling extremely insulted. I was not disciplined or reprimanded at all, at least not that I can remember. In fact, Joanne appeared completely nonplussed by my rage reaction.

That experience helps me to remember that anger, while very present in my life, seemed to poke its head out at the most inconvenient or nonsensical times. Anger was always part of my way of life. I guess it's one of those things we all grow up with. Expressing it appropriately was (and still is) one of my biggest challenges.

I guess what Shantideva is getting at is that no matter what the root, that anger is no way to live your life. It really screws with your body, brain and ability to relate to the universe around you.

Anger always seemed to have its way of exposing itself through jealousy too. I find it so easy to be jealous of what others have, even if it's simply a (genuine)smile to share or something more complicated, like the body-type I wish I had.

I say no more. I would like to say goodbye to the delusions. It's one thing being piss-poor and getting bossed around by your incapacitated mother at age 32. It doesn't have to be worse. This is all I can do for now.

quietly sick

i doubt what i have is related to any sort of "Swine Flu," but it's certainly no fun and i hope it goes away soon. it's just what i'd call periodic nausea, usually when it's dark outside and all decent people are sleeping or watching network TV or something.

happy cinco de mayo, everyone in all the americas. i am officially a free woman, btw! probation was a learning experience, and it certainly doesn't feel like a whole year has gone by.

i've started a new blog--it kind of prompted me to since i opened a gmail account.

it's been one of those "rain events," i think it's been raining for days. i miss going to the park.

breathe (remember to)

i went to the gym today for the first time. it kind of sucked but i guess i can get used to it. the people were fine, it was the damn treadmill, i think it was trying to eject me or something. i sweated through my t-shirt and tried to stay hydrated...now i'm exhausted and am wishing the clothes would hang themselves up.

i'm hoping for a beautiful life someday.

might as well JUMP!

(...go 'head and jump.)


i'm so lucky that this internet-land allows me to post a journally-newsy-poemy-complainy-type thing that stays around, and doesn't GO anywhere! holding a pen gives you a cramp, but this...there's nothing like it. and i wanna say "thank you" to um, whomever maintains this sort of thing for us non-linear thinkers who refuse to make time for, uh, "programming." (i barely passed C++ and feel a bit nostalgic for "GOTO 10" types of humor.)

thanks.

i raise my glass to you.

(not literally, right now. like, later on when i take a sip of something, such as water, cranberry raspberry apple juice that has gotten warm in my mother's car)


blogging has provided me with a reference for personal growth. (this is the brochure-part of things)

ok, it's over now. the brochure.

while a firm believer in adult ADD, i do not know how i would relay information to students-- that is, if i were a teacher, like i was supposed to be. that made no sense.

i mean, "capsules" of information...using more than one of the body's senses. like the ultimate art teacher's grim duty of reading the Vincent VanGogh story to a bunch of kindergarteners, who are probably smarter in every way than the teacher herself. WHAT did i do wrong? WHY didn't the kids care about the part where he sliced his ear off when i'd gone over that part of the book so many times with my co-op teacher..."SHOULD I??? SHOULDN'T I???! MENTAL ILLNESS?? FLOWERS???? DUDE WITH RED HAIR AND A BEARD??? WHAT MATTERS HERE? WHAT is the
CULTURAL YUM-YUM?"





yes, i failed out of student teaching. i'm not sure why this is coming up now.




somehow i think i i i i i i i iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii knew that iiiii'd never "pass." it's very easy to want to blame someone else. it was one of my many colorful and boring nervous-breakdowns.

anyway, i got the diploma. and things have changed since 2000, uh?





"The future's open wide..."



Emotions are part of learning, you primitive daumbasses. <----- ?

Seriously. We were never allowed recovery from humiliation in the classroom. Were we? Now were we?



(Wedontneeednoeducationwedontneednothoughtcontrol)




the only problem: i've been charged with 2 misdemeanors. not sure if i'm allowed near a school for seven years.


stay tuned, mofo's.

red game

(this is a work in progress)


peetah czarina is sich agin
peetah czarina is sich, all in?
peeter.

lies in the canopy of stinking pinkish flurry
vines in time with the sinking moss-pits where the
deer would like to

tramp o'er czarina
tramp o'er czarina

tramp o'er her petal bones as she sneeeeeeezesss:

"a'hooo bless youuu."


II


"which one is this, they all seem to have problems,
the girls in this family have
strange-bearn' emblems"

-papa's concern is swampy at best
inside his gryphon's crest and dylan collection


well i enjoy these morphine dreams
just the same as they cleanse my
too-eager, too-ignorant, not-quite adolescent
brain.

what time could it be when it stinks in here of
honey and warm un-pasteurized milk from
who-even-cares?

peter and cyril and beryl and iryl
and nestor and hector and vicky-yoon
play this certain game involving
"funeral of the children"

no, mind the bees

one of those kids got stung when they smoked
from my retired pipe

who-even-cares; milk somebody.
milk something.


czarina's wasting away
and she's more beautiful every day

her bones are so beautiful

today


i'd love to


slide in there


sheets


during cracks



of intermittent fire




sirens





and she's safe




and her fire




is the hearth of starvation