Mothers' Day 09

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away, oh little darling of mine.
I can't for the life of me
Remember a sadder day
I know they say let it be
But it just don't work out that way.
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away, oh little darling of mine.

I just can't believe its so,
And though it seems strange to say
I never been laid so low
In such a mysterious way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again

But I would not give you false hope
on this strange and mournful day
When the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away
Oh, oh the mother and child reunion

Is only a motion away
Oh the mother and child reunion
Is only a moment away.


--The great and awesome Mr. Paul Simon

Rage-a-hol

The following quotes are from the great buddhist scholar Shantideva, taken from Anger, by R. Thurman.

Whatever my virtuous deeds may be,
Venerating buddhas, generosity and so on,
Amassed over a thousand aeons--
All are destroyed in a moment of anger.

----

Keeping the mind wounded by anger,
I will never experience peace.
I will have no joy or happiness,
Will lose sleep, writhing with frustration.

----

Anger finds its food in the mental discomfort
I feel, faced with the unwanted happening
And the blocking of what I want to happen;
It then explodes and overwhelms me.

----

I have this strange memory as a child. I came home from school (kindergarten?) and my neighbor and sometimes-babysitter Joanne had created this puzzle or maze for me to follow. She posted arrows and footprints made of brightly colored construction paper with signs leading to where she was in my house. Looking back, I know she probably put some time into it, and that she'd created it just for me. But for no reason at all, I became greatly offended by what I felt was a 'sophomoric' attempt to lull me into playing "connect-the-dots" to my friend. I can't say why. I tore down the signs and recall feeling extremely insulted. I was not disciplined or reprimanded at all, at least not that I can remember. In fact, Joanne appeared completely nonplussed by my rage reaction.

That experience helps me to remember that anger, while very present in my life, seemed to poke its head out at the most inconvenient or nonsensical times. Anger was always part of my way of life. I guess it's one of those things we all grow up with. Expressing it appropriately was (and still is) one of my biggest challenges.

I guess what Shantideva is getting at is that no matter what the root, that anger is no way to live your life. It really screws with your body, brain and ability to relate to the universe around you.

Anger always seemed to have its way of exposing itself through jealousy too. I find it so easy to be jealous of what others have, even if it's simply a (genuine)smile to share or something more complicated, like the body-type I wish I had.

I say no more. I would like to say goodbye to the delusions. It's one thing being piss-poor and getting bossed around by your incapacitated mother at age 32. It doesn't have to be worse. This is all I can do for now.

quietly sick

i doubt what i have is related to any sort of "Swine Flu," but it's certainly no fun and i hope it goes away soon. it's just what i'd call periodic nausea, usually when it's dark outside and all decent people are sleeping or watching network TV or something.

happy cinco de mayo, everyone in all the americas. i am officially a free woman, btw! probation was a learning experience, and it certainly doesn't feel like a whole year has gone by.

i've started a new blog--it kind of prompted me to since i opened a gmail account.

it's been one of those "rain events," i think it's been raining for days. i miss going to the park.